No sugar, please.

Someone asked me how talking to God worked for me. Here I want to share how it was when I was diagnosed and the days after. 

“This shows you have diabetes.” 

It’s my fault, there’s no way to get out of this-How can this be your fault? You can’t really control your body, not that much! And you know very well how much you’ve changed your lifestyle for the better, you even started working out already, how can this be your fault?

I don’t want anyone to know, this is embarrassing- Why? Who says that? Which one of the many friends you have, would judge you or criticize you? 

Why does this hurt so much? Why are tears fighting to go out?

I wasn’t expecting this to happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I thought I had it under control. - I’m sorry, you were wrong, nothing is really under your control. You are one of many thousands of women in the same situation. 

Im not worthy of being loved, so damaged, even genetically imperfect- Who says that? All humans are broken, I love you so so much. Are you going to be the first perfect human with no flaws?

-Can you trust me?

At least now I know how I will die, Diabetes will kill me. - How can you say that? I am the only one that knows all your days. 

My grandfather had Diabetes under control for so many years, he still needed heart surgery.-Who says you’re going through the same path?

It’s not worth to fight it, it’s a chronic, non-curable disease - But it can be limited, you can live with this, you can live many years.

I don’t want this, this hurts.- I’m sorry, I know it hurts, you won’t have this in heaven. There is still so much coming for you, CAN YOU TRUST ME?

No, I can’t. How can you say I’m fearfully and wonderfully made, when I’m obviously not? I’m sick!!- Silence.

What will happen now? Will I ever have a family? Who would want to marry someone like me? Will I ever have children? What about my dream, my deepest desire? Why me? - Memories of family members and friends that have survived and lived with other health issues, people that I love, admire and have even helped to go through hard times. 

Listening to worship music is all I can do, I can’t pray. 

My faith is crumbling and falling apart. I’m angry, hurt and almost completely defeated. I am depressed.

A song called Prophesy, “I refuse to agree with the lies they told me”-What lies are you agreeing with?

“I take up my position, speak to all my conditions, take the authority you won for me.

The Word of the Lord in my mouth, to bring about the change,

Full of your power I step out

Declare aloud Your praise

I Prophesy”.

This song makes my heart pump faster, but I’m still stuck in the damp. I don’t know how to pray, I don’t know what to prophesy. Healing? Strength? Hope? I would be lying, I’m not feeling any of that right now. I’m just deeply shaken, confused, and sad, very very sad. 

After two days of holding everything together, only sharing with close friends and family about my recent diagnosis, I break down. I give up into pain and sadness, I cry my heart out. My best friend holds my body but she can’t hold the pieces of my heart that are scattered all over my room. My soul is bleeding and all we can do is whisper together: “Jesus, Jesus, please come, Jesus, we need you”. She prays for me, as other few people are praying too. 

I wake up, don’t turn on my lights, cry silently. I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want people’s pity, but deep down I know it’s not pity, it’s love, true love. Then a little voice says gently: “Fight shame, post about it. You know that a lot of people will pray for you. Don’t mind the comments or suggestions. All you need is people praying for you. Maybe someone that is going through something similar will be encouraged. Fight shame. Post about it.” So I post about it. Comments come, suggestions come, I’m overwhelmed, so I deactivate my social media. 

My body reacts to strong coffee and stress, migraine keeps me isolated, meds make me sleep and rest. Maybe this is actually helpful. Maybe migraine has been a blessing in disguise. Migraines were the reason why I changed my diet and never looked back, what if I never had to do that? Where would I be? How sick would I be now? Maybe I can be grateful for migraines.

I still can’t pray, I’m not ready to go to bible study, I don’t want to talk about it. 

I listen to a new song, tears come from a different part of my heart when I listen to this:

“When it feels like surgery, and it burns like third degree, and you wonder, what is it worth?

When your inside’s breaking in, and you feel that ache again, and you wonder what’s giving birth?

If you could let the pain of the past go of your soul

None of this is in your control

If you could only let your guard down

If you could learn to trust me somehow

Well I swear, I won’t let you go

If you could only let go your doubts

If you could just believe in me now, I swear I won’t let you go

When your fear is currency, and you feel that urgency

You want peace but there’s war in your head

Maybe that’s where life is born, when our façades are torn

Pain gives birth to the promise ahead”

One of my best friends knows me very well, we meet to play the guitar and sing some worship songs.

Oh wow! I’m able to sing. I can take other people’s words and music and declare outloud what my heart is still struggling to believe. 

I remember a lot of people are praying for me. I know God will answer their prayers, He will go through my wounds, my sore spots, my broken soul and heal them. He will hear their prayers.

5 days after being diagnosed, I wake up with a tiny sense of peace. I’ve let my guard down. 

-Why don’t you try to give thanks for a few things? Only things that you can honestly be grateful for.

This makes sense, I think I can give it a try. I’m grateful for the hospital, my team loves me and now is able to care for me. My doctor, my crew nurse, my dietitian, my pharmacist, my lab tech, they are my friends, my family, and also I can trust them to help me walk through this. 

I’m grateful for close friends that encourage me to work out and even do it with me, every little milestone is celebrated. I’m grateful for a dad, a mom and a sister that have fought their own health battles, I admire them so much. 

I remember my aunt and uncle, they’ve survived hard things and still live for Jesus. My grandfather was faithful for 98 years, despite of suffering with an aging body. My diabetic grandfather keeps sharing his testimony of how God protected his life during and after his heart surgery, he proudly shows his scar and praises the Lord. 

I am grateful for being able to stay on the ship and keep serving, while I adjust to the new treatment and accept changes in my lifestyle. 

Something shifts in my heart. Prayers are being answered.

My eyes are closed, but I’m wide awake and facing the future. I will keep serving you until my last day on earth. This is my calling and my purpose, nothing will take it away. Not even this condition. I will live one day at a time, I will try my best to protect my body. I will live with you and for you.

You knew this was coming, you are here with me, right here, right now, and you are not going anywhere.

I can walk this path, with you.

I am not afraid. I feel strong and fierce. I look straight into my enemy’s face and say: "You are defeated, Jesus has won, my life belongs to him from the first to the last day, and through eternity." 

And then I realize it, I’m praying. Peace is overflowing my heart and surrounding me with light and joy. I have new strength, a new hope. I smile. I can feel your presence, I can hear your voice. I can be still, in your presence, my spirit connected to yours, you are in my heart and I am in yours.

“We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. 

We are perplexed, but not driven to despair.

We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God.

We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.

That is why we never give up.

Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are renewed every day.

So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen.

For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” (from 2 Corinthians 4, NLT)