Running with Butterflies

For many years, I've been happy and proud of accomplishing many good things. I went to a great university, worked at great hospital, taught at another great university, and left everything to become a missionary... how good am I? Right? (Wink wink, let's be real, it's all been the grace of God). I've always done the best I can, even in the dinning room on the ship, I was recognized as a leader, a game-changer, God taught me so much while I was giving my best and working hard.

Then God gave me a wonderful promise, He prepared me to come back home with the promise of setting roots, giving more fruit and conquering the promised land. So I came to Colombia. 

I gladly accepted some weeks (quarantine weeks and a couple more) to rest, just because I wanted to be ready for the next awesome thing God had prepared for me to do. I was eager to show up and show off. In my mind I had so many voices and faces expecting to hear what awesome things I was doing for the Lord in Colombia. 

Although at first I promised my parents I would take 2 months to transition and rest, I knew I wasn't going to make it that far, I knew I would eventually feel restless, so I would quickly find a job where I would shine as I always do. For so long I've been convinced that my life needs to be meaningful, there needs to be an amazing purpose to drive me daily, there's always something I can do to make the world a better place, maybe even save it, and for sure bring heaven to earth with my own hands. Wow. That's a lot. How prideful is this, actually? Does God really need me that much to accomplish His plans?

For the last 7 weeks I've been praying for a job and a church, for two places where I could work, serve and hopefully earn some money. I now realize I compromised my missionary mindset (serving full time and trusting God to provide for all my needs), a mindset that consumed my soul to the point of leaving everything I knew and loved to pursue a God-given calling. Back in Colombia, well, things should be different, at least that's what I thought, here I wanted to be a good christian, work, attend to a church and be happy with that. I even applied for a job I thought would be the easiest job to get, I even labeled myself as "overqualified" for it. I crushed the interviews and tests, I charmed the interviewers, I was almost there. I even accepted a work-style that I know I'm not good at (desk work!), but I found more pros than cons and felt very good with how humble I was for choosing a simpler stay-at-home job, instead of saving lives at a hospital like a rock star. (Actually, I shouldn't work at a hospital, since I'm diabetic and have asthma, I would not be a good match for certain evil virus! But this super-nurse would for sure take the risk if that's what God wants!). 

Well, I almost got the job! But Jesus said no. I knew it was Him. He said no. And I agreed and accepted it and even gave thanks. But now I find myself back at square 1, or even square zero! 

"Oh Lord, what do you want me to do? How can I serve you?" 

A gentle whisper comes and speaks to my soul: "I just want you to be. I don't need you to work for me, you don't need to prove anything to me or to your imaginary audience. Can you just be present and enjoy the home and blessings I've given you? Can you keep trusting that I will always provide? Can you still believe that you are a useful servant in my hands, even if you're not active and busy?"

I love butterflies, since I can remember they've been my favorite. I have something like a secret code with God, and it's white butterflies. I've seen white butterflies in almost every country I've been to. It's like a little smile from God that reminds me that He loves me and is with me. 

Being back home has been so wonderful, I am taking in all the fresh air, nature surrounds the place where I Iive and I can't get enough of it! 

I have come to actually love running, and despite of the high altitude, I've been able to adapt slowly and have enjoyed running in an open green space! Well, guess what, every time I go outside for a run, I see butterflies. Not just one or two, but a lot of them! Not just white butterflies, but also purple ones, black and blue, black and orange, grey ones, and many more. It makes me so happy!!

But honestly, how much can you see of a butterfly when you're running? Not much! They fly around, I say "hi!" and that's it, I'm gone and they're scared. 

So sometimes when I'm running, one or two white and purple butterflies follow me, catching my attention, and I end up stopping to really see them. They fly and find a little piece of grass to lean on, and then they just stop and stay still.

While admiring those precious tiny butterflies, God has asked me several times: "Can you be like a butterfly? I know you think you can fly and be awesome, BUT, can you just stop to rest and be?"

So this is where I am right now. Accepting that I am not designed for a normal life. My heart aches to find a ministry, a place and time to bless others in simple or great ways. I exist to serve. But right now, I only exist to be, with God. I wake up asking Him to lead me through the day, I work on my life disciplines: time with God and exercise; I enjoy every second with my parents, and wonder what God has in store for this season of my life. 

And although my life prayer is still the same: "Oh Lord, may Your Kingdom come, and Your will be done" I have changed my current prayer, instead of asking "What do you want me to do?", I only ask:"What do you want, Father?"

"Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives... and whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus..." Colossians 3:16-17 (NLT)