Grateful for being single.
"I led them with kindness and with love, not with ropes.
I held them close to me; I bent down to feed them."
I held them close to me; I bent down to feed them."
Hosea 11:4 (CEV)
My love life has been the black point in my life. Everything else has always gone well, I have been blessed with a beautiful family, with good education, good jobs and now with an incredible ministry.
But my romantic record has many mistakes and decisions that I wish I had not taken, I have been hurt and I have hurt others as well.
Seeing the single female missionaries who have worked with my parents for many years, I remember thinking during my childhood that I wanted to serve God, but only after I got married, it seemed terrible to think of living like them ... but God taught me a great lesson, many years later.
I remember wondering how it was possible that they were so happy only with God, how they always seemed so brave and joyful.
Getting married and having a family was always the only and greatest dream of my life, but I used it as an excuse to run away, hurt my heart and even put on hold the possibility of serving God.
Depression and a broken heart had a lot to do with those 5 years of darkness, in which I walked away from God and church, I even built a wall between my family and me, there was a limit to what we could talk and do together. I walked away from those who loved me the most, searching for the attention and affection my heart longed for on my own account.
I did not understand nor could I believe that God could be more than enough for me and all my needs. I could not imagine how a God who I couldn't see or touch was able to supply my hunger for love. And I felt so guilty and dirty that I thought I did not deserve God to forgive me, I just believed that He was very disappointed on me, I hoped that at least something miraculous would happen to stop running towards death. I did not read the Bible because I already knew what it said, and I knew that I was doing everything wrong. But I was trapped in sin, depression and anxiety. The pleasures of the world were a temporary anesthetic for a very deep pain. And I always knew that God was there, seeing how I refused to pronounce His name and ask for His help. He was a gentleman and He waited.
He waited a long time, until one day, two years ago, he risked telling me: "No human being is ever going to make you happy, I am the only one who can love you, but you have not allowed me. You have been blessed and privileged during your whole life, and you know that I was the one who did it, but I can give you more, I can make you happy and fill your heart with love, only if you want and allow me."
That day, among tears and a very great pain, I understood that I just needed to open the door again, He did not want me to be religious or perfect, He only wanted my heart. He just wanted a personal relationship with me. So, that day I said, "God, I do not know how, I'm not like my parents or many other good christians I know, but I need you, and I want to have a relationship with you."
From that day forward, he has not ceased to amaze me. I read the Bible as if it were the first time, His Word was piercing my heart so deeply that it made me cry. In His Word I found everything He wanted to tell me. I have notebooks full of verses and prayers that I never thought to write. Those are notebooks full of love, power, compassion, mercy and hope.
It's been two years of knowing Him every day.
By making mistakes and feeling guilty, I have found in Him immediate compassion and forgiveness. I can not make a list of all the small miracles He has done to show me that He hears me and has the perfect answer for what I need. He has loved me beyond what I might physically need. He has loved me with tenderness, patience, even with a sense of humor, he has shown me that some things are not so serious or so horrible, for Him everything, EVERYTHING, is forgiven and forgotten.
He has answered: NO. He has broken my heart to give me a new one, He has asked me to give away all my dreams and expectations, to trust Him and to understand that what I think is best for me, sometimes it is not.
And now, two years later, although the dream of getting married and having a family still exists, I have been able to open my hands and give it to Him.
I have learned to enjoy and embrace my singleness with Him.
Being single is not about sleeping in, be unorganised or traveling freely without any ties.
Being single is about living every minute of the day with Him, and no one but Him. Waking up and asking Him: What are we going to do today? What should I have for breakfast? Do you like this blouse or better this dress? Should I speak to this guy or better not? It is asking about everything and believing in what He is answering.
Being single is about traveling to the other side of the world with great fear, but clinging on to Him. It is about choosing a life without a fixed salary, not seeing donations or offerings for the future but trusting that He will be faithful in providing . It is about crying alone, with Him, it is telling Him everything that I think and feel, what makes me angry, and even being angry at Him for His answers, but always in His presence. It is about seeing Him in every detail, as the song says, "in every miracle that You do".
Being single has become the greatest test of faith for me, but the most rewarded, because He is my treasure, He is the beloved of my heart.
I still have a lot to learn, a lot to know about Him, but today I can say that if being single and serving Him is so beautiful, then I do want it, I want to be like my missionary "aunts".
Being single is about traveling to the other side of the world with great fear, but clinging on to Him. It is about choosing a life without a fixed salary, not seeing donations or offerings for the future but trusting that He will be faithful in providing . It is about crying alone, with Him, it is telling Him everything that I think and feel, what makes me angry, and even being angry at Him for His answers, but always in His presence. It is about seeing Him in every detail, as the song says, "in every miracle that You do".
Being single has become the greatest test of faith for me, but the most rewarded, because He is my treasure, He is the beloved of my heart.
I still have a lot to learn, a lot to know about Him, but today I can say that if being single and serving Him is so beautiful, then I do want it, I want to be like my missionary "aunts".
"Tired of wandering in the dark
love dehydrated in my heart
You left in my way the traces that guide me to you
My date from heaven, gift from heaven
Flood my being with your luxurious love
My date from heaven, gift from heaven is you
My everything
Source of life, fountain within me
Sprout freshness, fountain inside of me
Your light and your truth guide me to your home
Face to face here I find you
The brightness of your love took me out of my prison
My date from heaven, gift from heaven
Flood my being with your luxurious love
My date from heaven, gift from heaven is you
My everything
Source of life, fountain within me
Sprout freshness, fountain inside of me
With your love you fill me until overflowing
Life you give me, thirsty I will never be again."
Fountain within Me, Su Presencia Music 2017
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