La Pasión que Arde en mi Corazón

Someone asked me how talking to God worked for me. Here I want to share how it was when I was diagnosed and the days after.  “This shows you have diabetes.”  It’s my fault, there’s no way to get out of this- How can this be your fault? You can’t really control your body, not that much! And you know very well how much you’ve changed your lifestyle for the better, you even started working out already, how can this be your fault? I don’t want anyone to know, this is embarrassing- Why? Who says that? Which one of the many friends you have, would judge you or criticize you?  Why does this hurt so much? Why are tears fighting to go out? I wasn’t expecting this to happen. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I thought I had it under control. - I’m sorry, you were wrong, nothing is really under your control. You are one of many thousands of women in the same situation.  Im not worthy of being loved, so damaged, even genetically imperfect- Who says that? All huma...

I left the ship one hour ago. I thought I was ready to leave until I had to say goodbye to friends that won’t come back to Senegal. I am one of the few that is leaving just for a good summer break to visit my family and my country, to then come back to the ship by the end of July. It is exactly 18 months ago since I left Colombia, and I am very excited to spend 4 days in Paris with colombian friends and then fly home to my family. But it still hurts to leave my ship family, the people that I live with and work with, the people that have come to know me just as I am, no make-up, no pretending, just me. It is pretty amazing to say goodbye to people from so many different countries that have become my community. I pray for the ones that will have a good rest like me, hoping they will come back with new strength and joy for the work God will let us do in Senegal. And I pray for the ones that are moving to a new season in their lives, that God will comfort them as they mourn a...

Hello!! So here are the answers to the questions I missed the last 11 days! I've been busy, deppresed, happy again, busier, and now I finally took the time to go through these question, mostly because my mom said she enjoys reading my blog. Here we go! How would your dream counselor have supported you? Through this time I’ve had amazing chaplains and close friends, they have listened, laughed, prayed and given good ideas to face different situations. I am very grateful for them. What is the best care package you have received? All of them have been awesome. A beautiful friend sent me 6 pairs of socks, as I was already thinking that I needed a few new pairs!! My mom was able to send me my old Bible, and colombian treats!! In what ways did you feel forgotten on the field? Communication and technology are a blessing, and I have the possibility to talk to my family as much as we want to. But despite of that, just a few friends from home have kept in touch. It does make ...

What bitterness or resentment are you holding on to? Only spending one week with my family, almost a year ago. Not being there for friends and family for several funerals. Not being there for my nephews. Missing weddings.  Fighting the idea that I’m putting life on hold while I’m here, far from home. 

What is the biggest difference you see in yourself?  I don’t really know. I would say I’m more like me than before. I’ve learned a lot about myself and accepted almost all of it. I’ve believed more in myself, accepted my weakness and my talents, and also accepted all the help I can get.  Also, my hair is longer, I’ve lost some weight, I’m gluten free and sugar free most of the time, and enjoy not wearing a lot of make up anymore. I pray more, enjoy being alone and don’t try to make everyone happy. I’m less afraid of saying what I think and also have learned to have crucial conversations without freaking out. I would summarize it saying that I realized I don’t need to fit  in any “personality type” box, and now I enjoy being myself, even if it drives me crazy at times. 

What expectations of yours have been unmet?  I didn’t get out of my comfort zone. This field service brought more opportunities to serve and challenges at work that God helped me to accept and accomplish, but, one of my goals was to go out and explore the city and the country, and I didn’t do it. I barely made it to two islands, one favorite restaurant (10min walking distance from the ship) and one trip 6 hours away from the ship. It would be easy to justify myself, but honestly, I was just scared and avoided being uncomfortable. It’s easy to say that I live in Africa, but the truth is that I live on a ship that has everything I need, and going out means experiencing the weather, the culture and investing some money, and I don’t enjoy everything about it, just part of it. Other people do enjoy the heat, the crowds and have plenty of funds to go out every weekend, but comparison should never be an excuse to learn and explore.  So, yes, I wish I invested more time and energy in ...

How will you say goodbye?  Denial!! That is usually my motto when my friends remind me of their departure date. Until the last minute, when I hug them, cry and let them go. So, when it’s my turn, how will it be? Probably the same. The next four weeks will be very busy at work, so I hope I’ll find time to write some cards to the friends that I won’t see in Senegal, but, my main strategy to say good bye is just being grateful. That’s the only answer I have for the painful moment of giving a last hug, seeing a smile for the last smile, and having a broken spot where so many people have carved a special place in my heart.  So, I will say goodbye, by saying thank you.  Also, #dontspoiltheendgame. And forgive those that spoiled it for you, like Jesus forgave us. (I’m still trying to forgive this friend that spoiled it for me on Facebook, it was still worth to watch it!) 

What are you leaving behind?  This one is easy. But still painful. Saying goodbye to crew members is part of life here, and saying goodbye to patients is actually great because they go back to their homes with a big smile, a heart full of love and a new chance to have a better life. But there is a group of volunteers that work with us the whole field service, that have become a steady and familiar face for me in the ward, that warm my heart and that have helped me to learn a lot about Guinean culture.  Our day crew are the local translators that work in the hospital with us. They translate between the patient and us, and they help in many many ways, day and night. They left their jobs and/or studies to serve their own people with us, and I admire them so much. They wake up very early to come to the ship, they go back home and still fulfill their roles as parents, siblings, sons and daughters. They work with us with grace, strength, patience and always a good sense of humor. Th...

How are you preparing emotionally to leave the ship?  Some people tell me: “I’m not ready to leave the ship”, despite of having a departure date set from the beginning of their commitment.  Here on the ship, we say goodbye to people on a weekly basis. I’ve found a balance that may not work for others, but works for me. I am a friendly person, so it’s easy to find reasons to like every new person that I meet, and grieve when they leave. So I’ve learned to accept that everyone here is leaving, and I don’t know when I will be able to see them again. It’s easy now, and yes, when I go to the dock (which has been only for specific close friends), I cry. I thank them for coming, I encourage them to enjoy their trip back home, and accept the pain in my heart. And then I move on. I’m happy and grateful for the chance of meeting so many people, even if I know I won’t see them again. It’s a lot easier if they’re leaving to come back in a couple of months, then it’s just a happy “see you ...

What are you most proud of? It’s weird to talk about the things I’m proud of, but this is a challenge, so it makes sense to give it a try. First, I have to say that I still work as a nurse in the maxilofacial ward, and taking care of the patients still is what makes my heart beat every morning. But here I want to share about the other half of my job on the ship, the ward educator role.  With my partner in crime, we’ve met, trained and supported 123 new nurses that came to serve on the ship in Guinea. We have welcomed 67 alumni (returning nurses). We trained 21 Charge nurses. We also facilitated several workshops to improve nurses knowledge and skills!!!  I had 62 coffee dates with nurses, which means that I spent around 30+ hours with them, listening, encouraging and praying for them, what a privilege!!!  I gathered an awesome team to write a document that hopefully will strengthen the pediatric nursing care on the ship.  I had the awesome chance to listen, learn, wa...